Well, I F-ed up royally this week. Since Jan 1, I have been writing a "How to Self Publish Your First Book In 12 Weeks" Blog series. And I've been publishing it as I go - primarily because I want to support people in getting over their fears and doubts and just frogging write the damn book! But I had a secondary agenda as well...
I wanted accountability.
I thought if I put myself out there and said to the world, "I will write a blog post a week, each and every week and share it with my newsletter list, there is no way in Hell I will fail! I mean, with all those people watching!? Can you imagine?! The shame! The humiliation! I'd simply die!" Yup, it seemed like a pretty foolproof plan.
Here I am, sitting at my keyboard, writing what some might interpret as an apology letter or a letter of explanation for why I did not follow through on the weekly post or how I could have possibly let down all those people waiting on my next word!
But this isn't an apology. And it is not an explanation. It is a statement of fact.
I, alias Regina Grimm, fucked up.
I failed. I said I would do something, and I didn't. I dropped a ball. I made a mistake. I fucked up.
And this is not the first time. I have failed in relationships, I have failed at work and at school. I have failed running businesses and failed so many times in my writing journey that one might expect that I would never recover.
But that's not it at all. Every failed relationship left me open to meeting my husband and becoming the woman I needed to be to appreciate him (in his perfect imperfection). My failure in my previous role inspired me to apply for my current day job, where I have been happily productive for the past eight years. My failures at running my own business taught me more than my cough seven cough years in University ( and some of those school failures added some time to my four-year B.A.). And though my first writing goal was to publish my first book by 16 years of age - I missed the mark by 22 years, but I now have four titles and an anthology published under this name and more than 30 books in print.
The fact is, I'm pretty frogging awesome - if you like flawed but fabulous humans. Those failures taught me many things and fertilized the soil of my life with their BS so this bad-ass, weird and quirky, loud mouth with a temper could grow. As Dolly Parton says, "Every boot is a boost." I believe that applies even to the boots we give ourselves.
So, I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off and give this thing another go. If my notes are correct, we have nine more steps to go before you publish your first book! I'd better get my ass in gear!
PS: If you are struggling to move past a mistake or a "failure" in your life, please know you are not alone. It sucks to fuck up. No one wants to make a mistake. But we all make them. And sometimes, the mistakes we see as monstrous seem insignificant to others. Other times, they are real whoppers, but you still deserve peace.
You can try distracting yourself. Pick a colour and look for all the things in your space that are that colour. Repeat till you can breathe a little.
Give yourself a break. Set a timer for 15 minutes (longer if you have time), and promise yourself you will wait to worry about the thing until the timer goes off. You are just taking a little break from thinking about it - and you can do that safely because you have time to worry about it later. Repeat as many times as you need to to get a little relief.
I don't care how big a mistake you made. It is not your job to feel bad. You deserve peace.
Regina Grimm is the author of erotic fairytales written for the uninhibited readers 18+.
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